The 10 least sincere phrases in the English language

Yes everybody lies, and it's not just little white ones "to save their feelings".  It's just easier and more comfortable to say what will get the job done rather than what we think.  Here is my selection of the least sincere phrases around:

10.  “I am in a really weird place right now”

• The modern equivalent of letting someone down gently with the it’s-not-you-it’s-me routine.

9. “Your call is important to us”

• Why don’t you answer the freakin’ phone then.

8. “How was football?”

• Non-sporty partners are not remotely interested in the reply.  Try answering “awful actually, someone broke their leg and had to go to hospital” and see if you get anything more than the stock “very nice dear” reply.

7. “A major motion picture event”

• Saying this in a deep voice at the start of trailers for “Smurfs 2” and “Hangover 3” does not make them events.

6.  “Regrettable”

• Always a phrase used by somebody blissfully unaffected by the announcement and thus with no reason for regret it e.g. a Chief Exec announcing redundancies or a utility company raising prices.  Regrettable, yes, but not by them.

5. “Sorry”

• As said by a child to a sibling they have reduced to tears. Usually only spoken under threat of water-boarding and so quietly that  NASA listening devices wouldn’t pick it up.

4.  “Injured in an accident that wasn’t your fault?”

• The real question that these ambulance-chasing sharks are asking is “long-forgotten incident which we can extort a few quid out of?” but they and their truth-dodging clients have to keep up the charade.

3.  “I like you … the audience loved it – you’re a breath of fresh air"

• TV talent show judges are apt to gush like this when someone has somehow got the sympathy vote and has to be put through to the next round despite being rubbish. Think of an 80 year old widower who can play “My Heart Will Go On” using his dead wife’s rib-cage as a glockenspiel. 

2. “Aaah…he looks just like you"

• Someone claiming that a baby looks just like Mum or Dad is not being sincere.  It’s a classic diversionary tactic when faced by a truly ugly new-born: simply pick a parent at random, point out the supposed likeness and a lively discussion will ensue, neatly obscuring the fact that you have failed to comment on the nipper’s appearance.

And the winner by a country mile ...

1. “Ryanair apologises for the late departure of your flight this evening”

• Even the screaming baby in row 23 knows that they don't really care about anything they put their passengers through.  Their slogan should be: “We don’t give a flying fxxk”

See also: What two years of flying Ryanair will do to you       When did Ryanair get so expensive?